Indiana Jones and the Lamentable Return

"It is something that mankind was not meant to disturb."

That's Sallah's warning to his friend Indiana Jones about the Ark of the Covenant. But he may as well have said it to Steven Spielberg and George Lucas regarding the Indiana Jones legacy itself.

Indeed, it is as I feared. With Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, they have done to Indiana Jones what they did to Star Wars: extended the series with work that is not at all up to the brilliant standards of the original trilogy.

In my mind, there are three elements that make an Indiana Jones movie great (besides Harrison Ford as Indy, which is a proven constant even in a movie such as this). Those three elements: great characters, a great artifact, and great stunts. It grieves me to report that in all three of these respects, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a thorough failure.

Oh Steven, oh George, why have you forsaken Indy?

1. Great characters

A. Villains

The villains of the original trilogy - Belloq, Toht, Lao Che, Mola Ram, Walter Donovan, Colonel Vogel - were successful because they combined personality with magnificent - but not cartoonish - evil. Belloq is a self-proclaimed "shadowy reflection" of Dr. Jones, a disturbing image of what would happen to Indy himself if his values succumbed to his greed. Toht is a terrifying, eccentric, and mysterious embodiment of Nazi evil. Lao is the consummate devious gangster, and Mola Ram's Thuggee sadism is terrific fun to watch. Walter Donovan is a smart and resourceful turncoat whose own greed undoes him. Vogel is an SS Colonel who relishes the infliction of pain as a perk that comes with the job. All have qualities that give them depth and lines that are memorable as Indy's.

The central enemy in Crystal Skull is the Soviet Irina Spalko, a cookie-cutter "Natasha"-type villain, who in a horrendous waste of talent is played by the brilliant Cate Blanchett. Her personality is developed clumsily by her two-dimensional lust for 'knowledge' and her ridiculous attempts at exercising psychic powers. None of her lines are memorable, and all are delivered in a Russian accent worthy of Rocky and Bullwinkle. She captures neither the venality of Belloq or Donovan, nor the genuine, bone-chilling evil of Toht or Colonel Vogel; she is simply, transparently, cartoonishly evil. Given a role with deeper, more complex motivations, Cate Blanchett could have made Spalko a disturbing and memorable villain; instead she is merely laughed at and forgotten.

Even the minor villains of the original movies were memorable: the shirtless German mechanic who fights Indy around, on, and under the plane; the Arab swordsman Indy insouciantly blows away; the tenacious Nazi captain who struggles with Indy over control of the truck.

Tragically, ALL of the secondary villains in Crystal Skull are faceless, interchangeable Soviet thugs. None of them has any personality, none of them provide Indy with unique or interesting challenges. They're mere ducks in a shooting gallery.

B. Allies

Indy's friends - most notably Sallah, Marcus, and his father - are characters who not only are engaging in their own right, but also whose chemistry with Indy convinces the audience that they genuinely go way back. And the Indy girls are every bit a match for Dr. Jones, be it Marion's no-nonsense personality and independence or Elsa's intelligence and manipulative wiles. (One could argue also that the great weakness of the Temple of Doom was the allies, in particular the strident, prissy, and insufferable Willy Scott.)

Indy's allies in Crystal Skull are a mixed bag. Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood was good, but would have been superb, had they given her the snappiness she had in Raiders. Shia LaBeouf as Mutt Williams actually exceeded my expectations, though his relationship with Indy falls far short of that of Indy and his father, one of the greatest movie duos of all time.

Dean Charles Stanforth (Jim Broadbent) is a decent role, but one that could have benefited from further development. We don't feel a shared history like we do between Indy and Marcus or Sallah.

Sadly, Marcus Brody and Henry Jones, Sr. have passed on by the time of Crystal Skull, and Sallah is nowhere to be found (enjoying retirement in Cairo, presumably?). Their absence is made all the more painful by the inexcusably wretched roles intended to replace them: 'Mac' George McHale and Professor Oxley. Both are played by great actors; both are tragic wastes of talent.

'Mac', played by Ray Winstone, tried, and failed, to be interesting. His double-cross of Indy links him to Elsa of Last Crusade, but he lacks her intelligence, charm, and passion. The chemistry between him and Indy is terrible; all of their dialogue sounds forced. The audience is left wondering why we should care whether he's Indy's friend or enemy.

Professor Oxley is the most tragic shortcoming of the whole movie. Played by the incomparable John Hurt, Oxley could have been the next Marcus Brody, an eloquent and supportive ally to Indy; instead, Spielberg and Lucas made the inexplicable decision to turn him into a babbling, raving lunatic for nine-tenths of the film. The clues buried in his incoherent ranting and babyish behavior are a poor excuse for a plot-driving device. Professor Oxley is to this film what Jar-Jar Binks was to Star Wars Episode I: an irritating, purposeless distraction. George Lucas, must you put one of these in all your revisited films?

C. Dialogue

The dialogue in this film vacillated between forced, corny, falsely sentimental, and only occasionally witty and engaging. Some of the lines (like Indy's about his father at the end) were so excessively cheesy as to be appalling. It was difficult to understand how the dialogue in this film could have been conceived by the same minds who thought up the epic one-liners of Raiders or the delightful father-son banter of Last Crusade.


2. A great artifact

The Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are potent symbols in the Western imagination. In the Indy movies, they carry awe-inspiring yet understated power, and their looming presence is so well developed that the audience can actually come to believe their supernatural properties.

The crystal skull belongs to a crystal skeleton of an alien being. It is also a magnet. As if this were not stupid enough to begin with, when you return the skull to the skeleton (in a tomb of thirteen of these skeletons), you receive great 'power'. Which turns out to be great 'knowledge'. Which turns out to incinerate you, or something (it's not really clear why). It's a silly artifact with an unclear purpose and an anticlimactic execution. And whereas in the original films, Indy is a prime actor in the culminating scene when the artifact is used for its designed purpose, in this movie he simply jumps out the window before Cate Blanchett is burned up with, uh, knowing too much and the aliens - or single alien? again, it's not really clear - go up into the spaceship (christ I wish I were making this up) and flies away after causing a big tornado that destroys the ruins in which it all took place.

What the fuck, George and Steven? Did you ask a five year old for these ideas? Aren't there about a million artifacts you could have used that would have had at least some basis in reality and some relevance to the audience?


3. Great stunts

The stunts and special effects of the original Indiana Jones films are legendary, and set the bar for all action-adventure movies to follow. The truck chase in Raiders and the tank chase in Last Crusade are the most famous examples. Yes, those are real stuntmen being dragged behind the truck or jumping off a horse onto a moving tank! Yes, that boulder is rolling after Indy! Yes, that plane is actually exploding! The gritty and genuine realism of these stunts and effects lend an authenticity to the Indy films that makes them stand out in movie history.

But Spielberg and Lucas have gotten lazy, and have turned to computers to do a lot of the stuntwork and effects for them. The results are tawdry (the car chase through the jungle is transparently CGI), unrealistic (the duck boat's entry into the water via tree bending down from cliff), or just plain fake (everything having to do with the aliens at the end, particularly their 'sweeping up' as they leave, looks so fake it's might as well be a cartoon).

The scene when Shia LaBeouf swings through the jungle like Tarzan, accompanied by a cohort of monkeys, is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen on film. And Indy surviving a nuclear-blast-induced airborne ride in a refrigerator makes me weep, for the standards for stunts have sunk so very, very low.

When stunts and special effects go too far, the audience doesn't watch with bated breath; the audience points and laughs.


Other observations

-The opening scene of the teenagers on a joy ride is a complete waste of time. It contributes nothing to the plot and bears no relevance to anything. The movie could start five minutes later, with the trucks entering the military installation, and nothing would have been lost.

-The ending troubles me. First of all, the idea of Indiana Jones getting married seems fundamentally wrong - unless it's a sign that he's through adventuring. Secondly, it's a bizzarely muted note to end on. Raiders ended with the magnificently ironic warehouse scene, and Last Crusade concludes with the iconic ride into the sunset. And this movie ends with Indy walking out of a wedding chapel? How pedestrian!


All of this being said, I will see this movie again. Why? Because even though the characters were weak, and the special effects were cheesy, Harrison Ford can still wear a fedora and crack a bullwhip like nobody else. Despite the film's many flaws, Indy, at least, is still Indy.