Why I'm a Feminist

I was watching TV the other day, and saw a Direct TV commercial that hurt my brain. In an outrageous assault on the intelligence of the viewer (and women everywhere), Jessica Simpson walks into a bar in a revealing outfit (redundant, I know, to say 'revealing outfit' and 'Jessica Simpson' in the same sentence). She is supposed to be in character as the waitress she portrayed in the cinematic miscarriage Dukes of Hazzard, but I fail to see the difference. Anyway, she starts blathering to the camera, in a coquettish southern accent, about how she's spent all these days working out at the gym, and she's insulted that her salacious male fans won't do her the justice of buying Direct TV to enjoy her fake plastic body in as much detail as possible. Yes, that's right - she's basically saying "I've worked so hard to become a vapid sex object, and now I'm offended you aren't going to objectify me to the fullest extent possible!"

But the climax of this idiocy is when she rattles off some detailed technical specifications about what she's selling, pauses, turns to the camera, and says with a smile:

"I totally don't know what that means - but I want it!"

In this sentence, dear readers, we have the three pillars of modern society's feminine Ideal. She is 1: Hot, 2: Brainless, and 3: Materialistic. Think of not only Jessica Simpson, but Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Nicole Richie, Miss America, and so on.

Hotness may be an obvious characteristic, but it's a certain kind of hotness: the kind created by plastic surgeons that makes you look like a six-foot Barbie doll. Brainlessness - when's the last time you saw a sex icon wearing glasses? And Materialism - Paris Hilton failed to identify who Tony Blair was in a recent interview (see Brainlessness), but I'm sure she can tell you all about the differences between Coach and Gucci handbags, or about how many square miles of closet space she has.

I long for the day that a beautiful, smart, and independent feminine Ideal replaces the current hot, brainless, materialistic one. The fact that this places me in the minority among American men is the reason I am a feminist.