Deck the Malls

‘Twas the month before Christmas,
And all through America,
The people were embroiled
In consumer hysteria.
Billboards, TV ads,
Radio jingles too,
All carefully employed
To con suckers like you.

The songs on the radio tell me that this is "the most wonderful time of the year.” I disagree; it seems to me that ‘obnoxious’ or ‘absurd' or ‘pine-scented’ might be more appropriate adjectives than ‘wonderful’. But maybe I just lack this elusive “holiday spirit” that everyone seems so enthused about.

The season is the same every year. First, a brutal onslaught of colored lights, insufferable music, and flashy store displays rip out your everlasting soul. Then, a slew of obtrusive advertisements remind you that the only way to fill this void in your existence is to crap away all of your money on presents. A meaningful present is an expensive present. LOVING IS BUYING. CHRISTMAS IS CONSUMPTION.

No where can you witness this mind-numbing, Orwellian fiasco of commercialism better than in shopping malls. Seething masses of frantic holiday shoppers pack themselves into malls everywhere, and lug their bundles of department store bags all over the building in search of that special scarf, iPod, or toolset. You see all kinds of people: the business executive buying flashy jewelry for his wife, the pair of middle-aged housewives shopping for their bratty kids, the bratty kids sitting on Santa’s lap, the fat lady in purple spandex pretending she’s interested in buying a cellular phone. All desperately shopping, all desperately spending, all desperately trying to conform to social standards created by clever marketing.

Signs and posters all over the mall provide you with clichéd, ulterior-motivated stock phrases describing what the season is all about. It’s about giving – giving, that is, Gap Sweaters for only 29.99. It’s about caring – and what better way to show him you care than to buy him a gas grill he won’t use until July? It’s about fun – and your eight-year-old can’t have fun without this video game. It’s about love – and you don’t love people if you don’t spend enough money on them.

But it’s not just the malls. The other day I was watching TV, and a jewelry ad came on: “This year, get her diamonds, the gift she really wants!” That’s right. The television just told me that what I got for my girlfriend last year wasn’t what she really wanted. She really wanted diamonds. My television knows my girlfriend better than I do. I'm a failure - unless, of course, I go drop a huge wad of cash on an aesthetic rock whose carbon bonds will, through some mysterious process, provide the only acceptable demonstration of my love and affection.

Remember how, when the Grinch tried to steal Christmas, it didn’t work because he stole just presents, and not the Christmas spirit itself? That was a nice story. But if some kind of Seussian Grinch were to steal all of OUR presents, we’d all weep, gnash our teeth, and then implode for want of a reason to exist. Make no mistake, though – we do have a kind of ‘Holiday Spirit’. It’s just not symbolized by wreaths, or trees, or menorahs, or those funny light-up Santas on people’s roofs. It’s embodied in the Santas on Coke bottles. Santa Claus endorses soft drinks, because he’s figured out that the true spirit of the season is not love, or Jesus, or family, or any other heartwarming metaphysical idea. It's the simple material act of consumption.